The Learnings

3rd August, 2011 - One incident, two lessons learned for a lifetime.

# Lesson 1- 'The ultimate wisdom of life lies in being a silent spectator and a sharp critic rather than being a foolish initiator at voicing a cause.'

Go ahead to do a mutual good and what you get back in return is a list of ‘wrongs’ and ‘rights’ and the ‘should have been done that ways’ pointers by the wisest critics around. Well, their pearls of wisdom and unsolicited opinions might be the wisest piece of advice on earth but at times, nobody gives it a SHIT, nobody…!

# Lesson 2 – 'Never ever get emotionally attached with random people; the sentiments would seldom be mutual!'

Trust people blindly for being the best of your buddies and what you get in return is a sickening realization that – darling, you are not that good of a friend for whom we’ll think twice before saying something that could hurt. However, IN CASE YOU ARE HURT and you feel disgusted or humiliated for what we said - Please go ahead and lighten yourself by crying your heart out sweetheart, nobody is bothered anyway!

Expressing Expressions

Yet again, I was short of words to express myself. Tried...but it didn’t happen. There is nothing new to it, neither I am complaining but its, just that...I feel sad for not being normal at expressing things.

A toothy smile, a shrilly laughter, a couple of tears and periods of silence – that’s all that I know of expressing coz when it comes to putting even the simplest of explanations in words, I end up uttering meaningless jumbled sentences. Not to mention – rendering myself a complete fool in most of such cases.

Looking back at the time gone by, I feel surprised that even before I could know or register, blankness had already been absorbed seamlessly in my personality. Wondering if I was better in my former years ; not that I was better at telling my personal state but, at least I was good at making others understand complex things (of their respective lives) in simpler forms. I know that it was one thing, for which I was counted upon and adored for by my friends and cousins.

Though in which moment I lost that art, I never got to know.

Today, I find it weird how my mental state keeps shuttling between factual settings and a trance like state. It’s like one moment my mind would be all active, capturing every single movement around while in the very next one there would be an uncanny mental silence and isolation. More like somebody putting a switch on and off - Continuously.

A Stolen Moment

....jab jab socha dekhun ek nazar unhe.....

....kaam the jitne zaruri sab bahane ho gaye................

...probably the most romantic prose I'v ever heard; read (in a frnd's diary).. :) ..never knew that a couple of words; an incomplete prose, by some anonymous writer can make a complete identity of its own in somebody's life; my life..... :) .... I would always cherish this unfinished couplet not only for its captivating aura but also for the incident's' attached to it, incident's' which I can never forget................

...whatever...!!

…….It is happening with me again………………………………I hate this…I so, so, so, damn badly hate this situation of losing the senses, losing the rational perspective to look at things in their practical form and letting myself slip into the virtual world of all good and no issues land..…the only goddamn solution I'v been able to devise to handle the negativities around me is - SHUTTING my head towards the problem..as if it would change the status quo of issues…!

I hate to be so helpless , I hate to see problems staring me in my eyes and taking over my saneness, I hate all this.....I just......actually I hate to be myself………HATE IT..!!

If tomorrow never comes

( Came across this poem while surfing net today and it just somehow made me think that - ...what would happen if tomorrow never comes...check it out..hope you enjoy it reading as much as i did..)

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly,

and pray the Lord your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last timethat I'd see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss,

and call you back for just one more.

If I knew it would be the last timeI'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,

I would tape each word and action,

and play them back throughout my days.

If I knew it would be the last time,

I would spare an extra minute or two,to stop and say "I love you,"

instead of assuming you know I do.

So just in case tomorrow never comes,

and today is all I get,

I'd like to say how much I love you,

and I hope we never will forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,young or old alike,

and today may be the last chanceyou get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes,

you'll surely regret the day that you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,

and you were too busy to grant someone,

what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,and whisper in their ear,

that youlove them very much, and you'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say "I'm sorry,""Please forgive me," "Thank you"or "It's okay,"

and if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

Bad Day

Alright, so today I m frustrated and don’t have anybody to puke out the mess that’s been whirling in my mind for something like ages..that’s why I’ve kind of taken refuge in this techno-diary called M-S word…now, what do I wanna say…I don’t know…why am I so damn depressed..no ideas…why am I feeling so rejected…no clues…then damned why the hell on earth am I feeling like saying thousands of words…!!! This is probably the biggest problem with me that exactly when I want to say something bout myself, my problems, my fears I just loose the track of things…I mean this whole “thinking” business has left me numb..I am truly sick and tired of “THINKING” about the things which don’t succeed in getting a way out of my mouth and hence they keep meandering in my brain sucking all my energies and enthu....I mean how much should it hurt if you are really excited and all pepped up to share the moments of an eventful day but all you hear from the other end is “I am tired” in a totally depressing tone….or how much frightened should you be of not being able to live upto the expectations of your family…or how much should you hate yourself for not doing the things you are ideally supposed to do…and how much lonely you should feel in moments like the one I am living right now…I don’t know, nobody does… and I don’t speak bout things like these.. so consequently, all these thoughts collectively end up fucking my mind leaving me mentally devastated…all this happening after being blessed with the best of the friends like jui, shwet and megs who are all ears for whatever crap I wanna say….but even then I feel such a loner of myself in times like this…shit, shit, shit…I hate this, I so hate this feeling… life sucks at times..it really does…

Lucky Day

Krishan ji had planned a very sweet surpsrise for me today…now you must be thinking what kinda surprise was it no…???? areyy baba bata rahi hu naa,batane ke liye hi to iss screen ke aage baithi hu…haaan to hua ye ki me and appy..hey just a sec did I tell you bout appy..??? no I guess I didn’t.. ok then let me introduce her first ,appy’s actual name is apoorva but I call her appy coz one, it saves time (instead of saying “apooooooooooorvaaaa” appy comes quick to the tongue) and two, it sounds cool n chic…yeah..so appy and me are classmates,we study animation together and get along very well..reason..?? both of us are equally vellas , kaamchor and nikkamma people with extremely high aspirations and most importantly, both of us find solace in making fun of things around us and thus we have a permanent colgate smile on our faces, when together(no doubts most of the people in our class including Geetali find us certified loons…!)

… okkkk..so I was telling you about the surprise,.. what happened was me and appy were walking towards the Andrews ganj bus stop after the class..generally we take bus from the south-ex stand but since sakshi-the third angle of our tikdi didn’t turn up today, we decided for the other stand just for a change…we were walking in a residential by-lane..actually “walking’ is not the correct word we were slogging practically slogging ,bored and tired of the two hours lecture bout 3d studio max and the hot july afternoon assaulting our already pathetic condition..the tan-conscience part within appy made her open her pink colored umbrella, pakiza-the supposed name of the umbrella company dangling from its holding strap..for a split second I visualized meena kumari opening the pakiza umbrella and singing “..inhi logon ne..” in the middle of the road..!!..hi..hi..yeah so the sun was gladly doing its part of making us perspire all the mineral salts of our body and my t-shirt sleeve was loyally playing its double role of being a sleeve and a hanky…so we slogged on and were crossing a building under construction when a tavera honked from behind..I looked back and realized that we along with the heaps of sand and concrete were hindering the driver’s way ,so we kind of side stepped to make way for the car…but instead of moving the driver honked again,this time I looked at the driver who in turn signaled me to move away…ahhh so even the drivers of delhi throw attitude..great..!! I gave him a disgusting look, grabbed appy’s hand and dragged her to cross that messy place mumbling the samajhta-kya-hai-apne-aap-ko stuff…we crossed the construction site and so did the car..I scoffed at the car’s back and screeeechhhhhh…the car stopped…shit…did he saw me mocking at him…dchik-dchik..reverse gear…now the car was moving backwards..towards us..hey bhagwan ye ladne to nahi aa raha…?? I asked appy clutching her hand but even she was clueless..the car stopped right next to us…my mind was racing to settle on an expression best suited to handle a freaked out driver-

smile?? No..

Anger,something like teri-aisi-ki-taisi?? No..

sorry bhaiyyaa?? Hell no…

main toh ise(appy) muh chida rahi thi…BINGO..!!

I waited for the driver to come out but no..here came the surprise the window of the driver’s next seat was rolled down to reveal a very pretty face of a lady in her fifties…we looked at her and the very first thing which came to mind were the lines of a famous song from major saab ‘..sona sona…dil mera sona…’ it was bound to happen..coz the lady I was looking at was Nafisa Ali,the same female on whom this song was picturised..so there we were, standing aghast by the offer of a lift from a former miss india-actress-social worker..at first all I could reply to her “shall I drop you somewhere..” was a silly “..huh..??” and then when it registered that we aren’t dreaming and a celebrity is actually asking us if wanted to be dropped somewhere I stupidly refused the offer..and the effect of stupidity was all the more enhanced when instead of replying to her question I pointed a finger at her and asked “are you Nafisa Ali??” as if “are you an earthly being..??” she gave us a bright smile and nodded,I sheepishly smiled back…but..whatever..it was really sweet of her to offer us the lift and silly of me to refuse it ..i am saying ‘me’ coz through out the encounter appy was scratching the back of my arm which she later on told was a cue to accept the offer and jump into the car…thank god appy didn’t get excited enough to push me away infront of her and get a ride in her car..gosh..I would have looked such a loser running behind a tavera on the streets shouting “..Nafisa mam I’v changed my mind…plzzzzzzzzzzzz take me along with you…!!!” ha..ha..ha..