A Soul's Twin Sides

One person - One kind of behavior. That's how it is supposed to be. A person has to react, behave, conduct himself in a certain way; it is a fundamental rule of nature but then how do you deal with split personalities?

With two stark sides within, I feel a defaulter at nature's rule of having single personality in a single body. Quite obviously it is never pleasing or comforting to know that you are different from the normal set of people; that you are slightly abnormal at normal things and so is the case with me too. It is embarrassing, annoying, irritating, disturbing, saddening and more - being absolutely unpredictable and unreasonable at the pettiest of things while taking major issues nonchalantly with a pinch of salt.

At times I wonder if people around me or associated with me in anyway are asked for a brief description of mine, there'll definitely be two stark character sketches at disposal. For on one hand I am identified as an  extrovert who is a motor-mouth, talks non-stop about random things, laughs loud, finds fun in the most serious circumstances, gets along with almost everyone, told to be a happy-go-lucky person who apparently lights up the surrounding environment to the extent of being titled as - Little Miss Sunshine.

That's one side. And then there's a flip side to this popular perception.

The side which is highly vulnerable, where everything happens to be at extreme - joys, sorrows, love, jealousy, possessiveness..everything. That's the side which doesn't like to talk at all, is under-confident about striking a dialogue or taking up things upfront, the side which avoids people deliberately for the sheer fear of being judged by them; thus, being inaccessible to most of the people around.

Basically there's one self which is supremely confident and optimistic about  everything in life and then there's one self which is extremely vulnerable and pessimist about every single thing under the sun. 

And so what happens when such polar sides exist in the same frame? One tends to flash these sides on and off as a part of the routine life. How? Well, one talks, talks, talks, talks at one hour and then without any reason falls silent for the rest of the day. One goes crazy partying, boozing, fooling around with people and then feels uncomfortable and difficult to the core to pick up their simple phone calls. One pours ones heart out to a person one day minus any nudging and then feels disgusted at self for letting all the secrets out without any rhyme or reason. That's what happens when you have split personalities, and when does it become most awful? It is when people who happen to know you in and out with a chance of getting a glimpse of both sides of your soul tell you that you are 'abnormal'. When they spell it out for you that you are 'not-so-likingly' different from 'normal' people. That's when it hits real bad because it is never a deliberate effort to behave 'abnormally', neither anyone takes pride in being identified as an eccentric case but then if one is, so to say, naturally booted with a split personality, how is one supposed to behave unlike it!

So for all the normal janta I just wanted to put it on record -

I am a person with a soul which has twin sides, if you can't deal with it that's not my problem. Sorry to put your opinions about me at bay but, I think I am absolutely normal in an abnormal way.

The Cycle of Deeds

Life comes a full circle and how! What you do, does come back to you, especially the wrongdoings. Guess this 'Karma' thing is not just a make-believe term, it actually does exist, in its truest form. Either that or there's some weird rule of this world that you would be sharing the shoes of people connected to you at some point in time..why? Well, just for the heck of feeling how it feels to be stuck in a certain situation that you put them in sometime..that's when the dormant guilt of wrongdoing catches up like never before..and then when you look back for forgiveness all that you receive is a mocking expression as if saying - 'this-is-how-it-feels';'this-was-how-I-felt';'it-feels-THIS-bad!'

Though isn't it just human to take a stand..to make a choice..to take a decision that might be against the other person, no matter how clean your intentions are? The task of refining your own conscience at the cost of others' emotions (knowingly) at times becomes indispensable..one just cant escape it..you take the decision, make the choice but then after a period of time, one fine day you find yourself standing in that person's shoes with somebody else playing your part..returning every bit of what you gave to that person; in similar fashion.

Its a vicious cycle..circumstances change, characters change but the core remains the same - You get what you give.

Monotony Scribbled

I get to my active senses with the morning alarm on phone, sharp at 6:30 a.m....hands fidget to get hold of that mean gadget and swipe it to snooze off only to be buzzed again at 7:00 a.m....the alarm does solves its purpose this time; I get up and sit for a while on bed - closed eyes - blank state...Ears pick up Ramdev baba's wise words on yoga asans from the television in the other room...If not paying attention to her favorite show, mom is seen moving around purposely doing morning chores...I take in all, get up and make an effort to get ready to start yet another day...by 7:45 a.m. I am all set for office...7:50 a.m. phone rings for a missed call; indication that the cab is well outside my place...I gather my stuff, check for anything missing and rush out of the home...after an hour long drive, some good-bad music, plain silences/chit-chat, 8:55 a.m. I am dropped at office...its always a snail pace to enter office...unenthusiastic, uninterested, mechanical...I punch in my I-card at the attendance machine - 9:00 a.m. - Sanchi Kala - Accepted...there starts a grilling day...work load, deadlines, meetings, differences, cribbing, ranting, assessing, processing, sweet talk, hate talk, gossips, opinions......6:25 p.m. phone rings for a missed call again; indication that the cab is waiting outside my office...I gather my stuff, check for anything missing and rush out of the office...I punch in my I-card again at the attendance machine - 6:30 p.m. - Sanchi Kala - Accepted....after an hour long drive, some good-bad music, plain silences / no chit-chat this time, 7:50 p.m. I am dropped at home...I am welcomed by my elder sister at this hour warmly/coldly - depends on her mood; it is very unpredictable...Mom can be heard chanting an aarti in the kitchen, I pop in to get a glimpse of hers, everytime, to catch this moment...it is comforting to see her ensured presence after a grueling day...by the time I freshen up, she's ready with tea, refreshments and her 12-hour day updates...she talks and I hear but not listen...I scroll through the channels, Rahul Kanwal / Arnab Goswami / Some reality show - the general halt points...10:00 p.m. am eating and watching television, surfing FB, scrolling through phone, mindlessly...11:00 p.m. am still watching television, surfing FB, scrolling through phone, mindlessly...11:30 p.m. eyes start drooping...I get up to check my wooden wardrobe, look at the pile of clothes, pick up a set that is closest to hand, iron it for next day and go back to bed...12:00 a.m.

A day lived; A day wasted.

French Window

The mirror reflected an unpleasant sight...she herself couldn't take it in for long...those burn marks and scars could make anyone look away from her face. It was not his fault. She felt guilty for blaming it on him...nobody could in all physicality 'love' that sight; her appearance.

She sat on the French window sill...looking at the landscaped open spaces ahead. Memories started rewinding...what a day it was when they bought their dream home and moved in...after all that incessant planning, exploring, saving every penny, they were finally able to book this house and then own it...this French window, how can she forget the argument that they had, to get it done...she had to keep ranting about her wish and reason it with him to use that space for window and not for his customized bookshelf. He was annoyed yet gave in with a smile...ever since, so much they had shared on this window sill..talked away those breezy summer nights, cuddled up in winters...those coffee and music sessions while enjoying rain...how can she forget...but she does remember it all...and he ought to remember it too....if only he remembers it...

Curtains moved..she turned around to see who it was..he walked in with a glass of water in his hand...she tried to welcome him with her half, painful smile but he didn't seem to notice...may be she didn't really seem like smiling...or else he would have acknowledged it..he always did...prior to that accident. 

He gave her the glass of water..she moved a bit to make space for him to sit as well..he didn't seem to notice that too..he kept standing, handed her the pills and waited till she had them all...she looked at him, he looked at her hands holding those tablets..was it really so difficult to even glance at the person whom he so passionately loved only until a few months back? She without a word, took her tablets...he took the glass from her hands and went....She kept staring his back from that French window...

...he was gone and she was left there sitting at the window sill alone, with just some extra space...

Dialogue - I

Head: ..so..after soo long, how have u been?

Heart: .. :) ..good, good...you missed me or what?

Head: Naah...was just wondering if you still exist in this bodily world..you know what I mean ;)

Heart: Oh come'on..! I am still hale & hearty ..very hearty.. ;) cant’ you listen to this – lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub.. ;)

Head: Yes of course! You so do sound hearty mate.. :) ..so how had life been all this while..? you were virtually non-existent!

Heart: Life was just as usual..I am ok being a solitary fellow dude…don’t really crave to socialize like you…so yeah..it was good…happy & content in its own way.. :)

Head: Such a loser that you’ve always been! Get a life dude, get a life!

Heart: Sure…the only thing that you’ve got to tell me...like ALWAYS! ...don’t you feel shallow partying, boozing, indulging with strangers...running allll the while like that...? it must be taxing!

Head: Shallow? Are you kidding me? I am ‘living’ every second of this life…savoring it…not like you loser…wasting it away with that crappy-solitary-philosophy!

Heart: Living and savoring it for others…to fit into the crowd of that oh-so-happening-people…how many moments have you actually lived for yourself..really?

Head: Wow! See am not in for that retrospection track now! forget about me ...you explain what have you gained being a lonesome? How have you like really, ‘lived’ for yourself…any soulful insights there?

Heart: At least I am at peace! And anyway I am comfortable in my own space so just let it be…you wont understand…

Head: Of course I don’t understand this loser like attitude of yours..! Staying comfortable in your own space is one thing dude while shutting yourself up in an air tight box is other! You know what I mean? GET A LIFE!

Heart: I’l get a life, you go get some meaning into yours! Wonder why we are at loggerheads every time..stop wasting time with me..am sure you must be having better things at hand to indulge in…

Head: Yeah right...F**k Off loser!

Lost

She ran.....kept running....in those dark woods...feet were wounded by those small seemingly unharming sharp slivers of dried leaves...arms and knees scratched all over by a couple of falls...fast her heart was losing hope and her body the energy to pursue the lookout....she was following the same track as told by the old lady she had met outside that party hall...it was a streak of light in the midst of woods that was supposed to be her calling...her eyes were frantically searching for that ray that was to guide her to the land where she belonged; if she really belonged.... 

It was such a beautiful evening...everything was just perfect...she knew she was looking her best, she knew she was behaving her best...people were enjoying her company and so was she..enjoying all the attention with elan.......until it was this old wrinkled lady whom she saw staring at her from the glass window across the hall....it was a meaningful look...of all the people in the party it was her that the old lady seemed to lay eyes on....she excused herself and walked past all her near and dear ones, leaving the hall behind to meet the old lady...she was received with a pair of wise grey eyes....the old lady didn't say a word...she turned back to again stare at the party hall...she too turned to see the same...it was a different perspective from here and was apparent that the old lady wanted to show her - her world - from a varied viewpoint.

Where had all the fun, frolic, smiles and laughter gone? She was sure she enjoyed all that and more while being a part of that party herself! Every color from the party seemed to have been washed away...the atmosphere seemed pale and gloomy...her folks walked around like machines - smooth, structured, lifeless. This was not what she was a part of only a few minutes back...the realization was sickening...she turned to face the old lady who then turned and slowly pointed her finger at the woods; the dark mysterious forest that lay ahead...'amidst the darkness lies the ray that follows to the land you belong' those were the words...

She belonged............the sense of completion that the thought carried was enough for her to dare the darkness of those haunting woods...she left for into the woods...and the forest gulped her....

She is still running....stumbling.............fumbling with her steps on the way......the darkness seems to multiply layer with every passing minute...she is scared to the core for now there might be an inevitable danger that she could no longer dare...................

...defenses lay low.....vulnerabilities soar....

Acting Strange for Strangers

Strangers....perhaps the most mysterious term in itself it is...heavy with uncertainties of all sorts and yet ironically, few of those 'strangers' at times end up becoming the most integral part of our lives! Doesn't that fact echo hypocrisy at its very base level? Best friends, lovers, enemies, untitled bonds - A 'stranger' can be all that and of course more...

Today while catching up with some 'me-time' on my way back home, I wondered why as humans we have this general tendency of automatically slipping into the defensive mode on coming across with a 'stranger'. Being one of the typical Capricorns who are known for not trusting people easily, I always end up in being way too pessimist about every 'stranger'. Its this instant denial mode that shifts gear and pulls the wheels onto a by lane track... may be that's why the common perception - 'Quitter'.

I guess I've got a separate self-made dictionary in my head to comprehend strangers.

- A stranger who is cordial - Pretentious
- A stranger who is easy going and friendly - Fishy
- A stranger who doesn't talk much - Snob

Now That - pretty much explains my narrow minded approach towards 'strangers'...high time I broaden my mental horizons...indeed!